Creative Slumps, Dreams, Body Shaming, and Mo State J Teacher... WHAT? :-)

I feel like I have aged a decade in about a four week time frame. My to-do list keeps growing in length and the check marks by items done can't seem to keep up. There's been some personal issues with my daughter I will not discuss here, but one I will - the flu. Yuck. Between work and home, personal and public, and every nook and cranny -- I've felt "spent" and pretty worn out. 

I could use a day or five at a winery or in a tent or just enjoying the company of someone who is low-drama and soothing to the soul. 

The big thing about all this is that my creativity is on zero. Zilch. Nadda. Empty. Gone. Not an ounce. 

I can't seem to get motivated to blog, photograph, edit images, finish a TON of half-done art projects and home DIY creations. Just typing this is taking great effort. 

Sleep. 

I just need sleep, right?

Could that be why more and more of my dreams these days include sleep in them? Even those dreams rated for "Mature Audiences" always involve sleep. When one dreams of sleep, is that a sign they are running on empty? Could be.

And, yes, I do remember my dreams. 

I have had that blessing (and curse) of being able to vividly remember my dreams for pretty much my whole life. I still remember a dream I had over and over as a young child involving my biological father... oversleeping... and I can't get to school because I overslept, too. I wake up, run to the bed he is in and keep shaking him... green comforter on the bed... has this striped/ribbed texture to it... I can still feel it when I think about touching it as I try to shake him awake to take me to school. A very vivid dream indeed. 

Could that be why I set so many alarms and triple and quadruple check them on school nights to this day? I am wired the same way and could easily oversleep and not make it to school... Maybe I am afraid of that dream really happening to me as an adult? Perhaps. Or maybe some psycho-babble would say my alarm obsession is some mental disorder? Who knows?

Despite the situations lately... I can say there's been some amazing moments lately...

I was named the MIPA Missouri State Journalism Teacher of the Year 2015. 

I rarely mix my "day job" with my art/photo blog, but this time I will. Here's a link to the article my school wrote. Very nice and humbling: http://www.sdow-mo.schoolloop.com/cms/news_item?d=x&id=1424591245361&group_id=1323005962663&return_url=1426166047098

Tonight I picked up three images from the Framations Photography Exhibit I was juried into and then hustled to STL, despite a few wrong turns, to celebrate the opening of a show I am juried into (along with my friend Slava! http://www.slavabowman.com) at Soulard Art Market. It's a self-portrait show and this really pushed me out of my comfort zone. Slava is more versed in this. I am not. 

I am not necessarily comfortable in FRONT of the lens, especially if it is full body. I haven't felt comfortable full body in front of cameras since I had my daughter. She'll be 10 in April. I keep thinking I'll do something about that, but I never seem to.  In time I have to either "accept" this is "me" now, or get serious about what I eat and working out. I have tried a few times and at one point lost a LOT of weight, but it was short lived... and of course it all came back (and more). 

In fact last spring when two of the sweetest kids I have ever had in class asked me to pose for a photo with them at Mizzou JDay, and it was FULL BODY - well, I was shocked it came out as one I liked. I actually love this photo and don't feel too embarrased by it at all. 

The funny thing is I don't care if I am out in a swimsuit at the creek or ocean... or any place... until I see photos. It's a bit shocking to me because that's not the "girl" I remember. I am sure I am not the only woman with this issue, but as much as you hear "love your body" it's hard to when the person you envsion yourself as - is not what looks back at you in images. 

I am unsure if men ever deal with this problem or if it's just women, but based on things I know of a few of my male friends... I think some do. I know a perfectly fine young man who will post before and after images of himself since his workout lifestyle has kicked in. I honestly think his before photos look fine. I see nothing wrong with how he was. However, he did... and he did something about it. 

The more I learn about body shaming and the impact it has upon people, it's overwhelming. I am too fat and chunky, he is too skinny, she is too this, he is too that. I hate that we all do it. And, yes I am saying we ALL do it. The people who say they don't are (in my opinion) lying. 

I am not sure what the answer is, but the fact that Kelly Clarkson (who is just adorable!) is being bashed for her weight gain since having her child... it hits really close to home for me. I beat myself enough up as it is about my body since having my daughter, I can't imagine having a public media circus jumping on the "let's tease the chubby girl" train. 

All I know is that number on the scale or on the tag of my clothes didn't keep me from being Missouri Journalism Teacher of the Year. It didn't make me "lazy" by any means. It also didn't keep me from being juried into an art show that started tonight that was based on self-portaits. Maybe it's time to just accept this is what I look like (or try that diet thing again, lol) and get over it.

And, maybe it's time I try to get some sleep so my "creative" mind can start churning again! I do have a full day at the art gallery in the morning, but I don't have to be in New Haven until 11am... so... maybe I can set two alarms and not four. Take that vivid dreams!

Good night, or is it good morning?

~ michelle of MK Designs Photography 2015